BELOVED
BELOVED
by John Grover
Not even the smell of bleach could erase the subtle medicinal stench or the awful memories Aaron would never forget. He’d cleaned the spare bedroom from top to bottom and it still wasn’t enough to wash the pain from his broken heart.
The bed sheets were gone. Aaron had replaced them. Bedpans were thrown away. He hoped never to see one again. New curtains framed the windows. Gorgeous pictures of landscapes in all of the seasons decorated the walls but no matter how many coats of paint he put on those walls, it was still the same room. The room Daniel died in.
It had been a long road and Aaron was glad it was over despite still waking every morning crying, his pillow soaking wet. He tried his best to push aside the crushing anguish that hung on him like a heavy winter’s blanket. After the funeral he worked hard to put his life back together. He’d started with that room.
Daniel had moved into the spare room across the hall from their master bedroom when he started waking up from the pain every night. He couldn’t bear waking Aaron every night as well. So he decided to spend the end of his days in the spare room. It was just like Daniel, thinking of Aaron first, putting everyone else before himself.
After checking the room yet again, Aaron made himself a simple dinner, ate it alone and retired to the living room to watch some TV. A small fire crackled in the fireplace but it just barely chased away the chill in the air. He stared at the sea of rust-brown that covered the walls and the thick drapes that shrouded the windows. They made the room and Aaron feel even heavier. He’d already forgotten the TV.
Aaron’s thoughts drifted and he stared at his wedding album sitting on the edge of the coffee table. He picked it up and thumbed through the pictures. It was one of the happiest days of their lives.
Daniel…
He looked so handsome in his tux. His beautiful blue eyes twinkled in the sunlight that day. Aaron always got lost in them and it destroyed him to watch the light fade out of them.
A creak sounded across the floor upstairs. Aaron looked up at the ceiling and held his breath for a moment. Just the wind. Their house was old, older than Aaron could remember, even though Daniel had told him probably a hundred times. The house had been in Daniel’s family for generations. Now it was his.
The home was filled with tons of nooks, useless rooms and closets of various shapes and sizes. Faded, white wainscoting encircled nearly every room. Rain spots speckled most of the ceilings. Antique lamps with stained-glass shades sat on mahogany tables, filtering dim light in a home filled with shadows.
The long, narrow halls of the house were adorned with pictures of Daniel’s family—his grandparents and great-grandparents, uncles, cousins and great-aunts. Aaron took them all down as soon as he was able, he used to joke that their eyes followed him everywhere. The house always felt like it was more Daniel’s than his. He was determined to change that now.
The last thing he removed was the strange sign that read “Beloved” that used to hang on the lamppost in middle of their spacious front yard. He was never quite sure if the sign referred to the house or to Daniel’s family. Either way, the sign just didn’t fit him. Aaron wanted to get something homier or warmer…something that said Welcome!
Another creak. This one sounded like someone walking across the upstairs hallway. Aaron put down the wedding album and stood up. He listened attentively. There was no wind whispering outside. He walked upstairs, gliding his hand along the ornate banister and reached the second floor hallway. At the end of the hallway he stared at the open doors to his bedroom and the spare room across from it.
He sucked in some air and made his way to the end of the hall. The spare room seemed to beckon to him, its doorway an ominous invitation to somber reflections. He stopped in front of it and turned to look in. His heartbeat rose a bit. Aaron let out a breath when he saw that nothing was there, of course. The room was quiet and filled with growing shadows from the late afternoon sun. The air was colder than the rest of the hall and he shivered.
Aaron grabbed hold of the doorknob and closed the door. He could almost still hear Daniel moaning in pain on the other side of it. He rested his head against the door and the tears came, gently rolling down his cheeks. His bottom lip trembled. “Oh Danny…Danny…”
Near the end, Aaron would close the door to Daniel’s room nightly so he wouldn’t hear him suffer or vomit up the dinner he’d served him earlier. Some mornings, he would wait until he had had breakfast and showered before he checked in on Daniel to see if he needed any assistance or more pain medication. He never stopped thinking about that, even now. He’d been Daniel’s only caregiver. Daniel’s parents had both died young, and all of their friends had stopped checking in so it was up to Aaron to handle everything. The weight of it all nearly smothered him. Daniel’s passing was more bittersweet than Aaron could put into words.
He pushed himself away from the door and headed back downstairs. He heard the TV still babbling down there and decided he’d had enough of the wedding album and instead turned his thoughts to some wine.
+++
The text alert on Aaron’s phone woke him in the middle of the night. He’d forgotten to silence his phone before going to bed. The phone’s light pierced the pitch-black of the room and Aaron stretched across the bed to reach for it on the nightstand.
He yawned and squinted at the bright screen in the dark. He touched the screen and stared at the text in disbelief. His mind tried to rationalize what he was reading.
The text was from Daniel. But it couldn’t be. It wasn’t possible. Aaron sat there staring at the words on the screen.
I still love you.
The words burned into him and for a moment he put the phone facedown on the bed. Aaron shook his head just as another text came in. The phone vibrated on top of the bed.
He grabbed it and touched the screen. “This has to be some sort of joke. Who would do this?”
But they’re angry with you.
Aaron shook his head again. No. No. This isn’t funny at all. This is sick. He deleted the messages and quickly turned off the phone. He stretched then rubbed his face. Nature called suddenly.
He climbed out of the huge master bed he used to share with Daniel before he got sick and shuffled into the hall. The door on the other side was open. Aaron froze. His heart was in his throat. His palms were damp. He stepped in front of the doorway and looked in the room.
There was nothing there. He glanced at the door before shutting it again. It’s an old house. Things creak. Doors come ajar. It’s nothing.
After dismissing it he headed to the bathroom.
Back in bed he sat and stared at the bedroom across the hall. He half expected the door to reopen. A faint medicinal scent laced the air and was gone. Aaron stared for the longest time before finally settling back into bed and forgetting the damned room.
+++
“Daniel’s phone is inactive,” Aaron said to the phone company. “No one is using it. I want his line removed from our account. I called last week after he…. what, yes, you did, last week? Oh, okay. Fine. Thank you.”
A dream? It was a dream. He put the phone down on the kitchen table and stared at it. Why did it look so ominous now? He had become used to spending all of his time on it. During Daniel’s last days he was on the phone with doctor’s offices, insurance companies, lawyers and Laura, the one friend who still checked in on him. He had taken family leave from work to take care of his husband. They relied on state aid and insurance to get them through some really tough times. Thank God Danny had money of his own, inherited from his family and if they had needed more they could have taken money out on this old house, it was worth a fortune.
Now it was all Aaron’s, Daniel’s money and the house. It was enough to keep him set for a long time. He contemplated going back to work but he just wasn’t ready. It was all too real right now and he still hadn’t truly grieved but he would have traded all the money in a second to have Danny back, well and healthy.
Aaron got up from the table and moved over to the sink. He glanced out of the window above it. Suppose I should eat. The stove sat dormant, he couldn’t remember the last time he actually cooked on it. He loved cooking. Maybe he would take some classes now that he had more time.
The refrigerator hummed in the opposite corner of the kitchen. He went to it and pulled its door open. His eyes darted around the leftover takeout and somber casseroles sympathetic and well-meaning neighbors had dropped off. Some fun cooking classes would fill this fridge with homemade creations that would taste amazing. He rifled through some microwaveable boxes and pots filled with soggy rice and bland chicken.
Speaking of classes, he always wanted to paint. He could fill the desolate halls of this house with colorful, serene landscapes or snowy winter scenes. There was also the journal he’d been keeping. Aaron wrote down his experience as a gay man taking care of his dying partner. Every moment was recorded, every up and down. He hoped to publish it, sell it to a publisher then he could—
Aaron’s phone beeped. A text came in.
He went over, picked it up and tapped the screen.
Hey baby. Could you come upstairs and give me a hand? I’m afraid I’ve made a mess again. I’m sorry. Love you.
“No. It’s not you. No.” Aaron squeezed the phone in both of his hands so hard it hurt. He replied to the text.
Who is this? Why are you using Danny’s name? Do you think this is funny? This how you get off? Mocking someone who lost the love of his life?
No response came. The phone remained silent. He swallowed some air and headed out of the kitchen. He crossed the living room and reached the bottom of the stairs to the second floor.
He hesitated, but after reasoning with himself rushed upstairs to the bedrooms. Cold air caressed his face. The spare room’s door was closed just as he’d left it. So why was he going to check it? Aaron couldn’t answer, he felt drawn to the room for more than just the obvious reasons. He took hold of the doorknob, opened the door and stepped into the room.
The room was empty. Nothing was out of place. Bed was made. The window shades were drawn. Aaron listened to the quiet.
“Get out of our house!” the woman’s voice shattered the silence. “Our beloved is dead! Our beloved! Our beloved!”
Aaron jumped. His heart pounded against his chest. He rushed from the room and nearly tumbled down the stairs. Her voice had shrieked from somewhere on the first floor. He caught a glimpse of a woman, an older woman, as he reached the bottom of the stairs and entered the living room. She was gone.
“Who are you? What are you doing in my house? This is my house!” Anger laced his words. Aaron checked all of the doors but they were all secure. He peeked out the windows. The street was quiet and uneventful.
He ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled. What is going on? He thought of calling Laura but was afraid she would think he was crazy. Maybe he was crazy. God knew he’d been through a lot but hearing and seeing things? It was the middle of the day. Sure, he wasn’t sleeping that well and the guilt he felt over not doing enough for Daniel in his last days wore heavily on him.
Rest. He just needed more rest. That was all this was. Danny was still everywhere. Despite his cosmetic changes Aaron could hear and sense him in all of the rooms. Sometimes he could even smell him. It wasn’t always a good smell. Actually, sometimes it was downright repulsive.
He glanced at the fireplace and spotted something odd along the edge of it. Pieces of paper, it seemed. He bent to the gaping hearth and rummaged through the ashes, picking out the shreds of paper. They looked like old prescriptions, Daniel’s painkillers. Impossible. “What the hell?” No. Those were long gone. He breathed in again and let the pieces of paper fall back into the ashes.
Rest. Yes. He needed more rest. Maybe tonight he wouldn’t cry himself to sleep again.
+++
Aaron stirred. His covers fluttered briefly and footsteps roused him. He could barely open his eyes for they felt heavy and sore but he tried to focus nevertheless.
Two figures stood at the foot of his bed. Aaron bolted upright, grabbing fistfuls of sheets.
“Get out of our house!” A man yelled at him.
“Our beloved is gone,” the woman beside him wept.
Both of them were older, withered, faces wracked with sorrow. They glowered at him but said nothing more. For a second Aaron sat frozen and then reached for his phone.
“I’m calling the police!” He snatched his cell from the nightstand. “You hear me?” He tapped the screen and looked back up.
The man and woman were gone.
“Shit. I am losing it.” He stared into the gloom. His phone rang and Aaron flinched, dropping it from his trembling hands. He picked it up again with some trepidation and answered without checking to see who it was.
“Hi Aaron, baby, I miss you so much.”
“Dan-ny? This can’t be you. You’re gone.”
“It’s me, baby.”
“No. It can’t be. This is a dream…another dream.” Wake up now. I need to wake up.
“You’re not dreaming. They’re angry with you and I can’t stop them.”
“Who? Who are you talking about? What do you mean?”
“Aaron, I love you.” Daniel’s voice rasped then wheezed. He struggled to catch his breath. Static tried to snuff out his struggling voice. “Aaron…”
“No. Stop calling me. I did everything I could. I dedicated every moment to you Danny. Leave me alone…just leave me alone!” Aaron hung up the call and threw the phone across the bed.
He jumped up and stormed downstairs. He went straight for the liquor cabinet in their sprawling dining room and pulled out some rum. “Just to help me sleep.” It tasted dark and sweet with hints of burnt sugar on his tongue followed by something tropical. Aaron instantly relaxed, sinking into one of the dining room chairs.
His eyes grew heavy as he took another drink. A yawn escaped him and his head drifted…
When he woke hours later, the sun was up. It stung his eyes. He turned away from it like some vampire entombed from the harsh world of the living.
Aaron lifted his head and noticed the rum bottle, tipped over on the table.
“Goddammit.”
He rushed to the kitchen and grabbed a sponge and a dishtowel. A river of alcohol streamed over the edge of the table and pooled on the hardwood floor. Aaron listened to it drip, every drop a deafening cacophony inside of his head. He dropped to his knees and scrubbed as hard as he could. His stomach growled and he thought about cooking something again. Maybe a big hearty breakfast—a lumberjack breakfast like he used to get with Danny at their favorite diner.
“Shit.” He looked at the mess of rum again and rubbed his sponge across the dining table.
+++
Steam shrouded the air but the hot water felt like heaven rolling down his back. How long had it been since he showered? Aaron leaned against the tiled walls in his shower and let the water beat over him. After another big sigh he turned off the water and stepped out. He grabbed his towel and dried his hair, then his face and chest. He swiped his hand across the vanity mirror and stared at his face, fixated on the bags under his eyes and the hollow appearance of his cheeks. Apparently, he hadn’t been getting as much sleep as he thought. He also wondered if he was losing weight.
He dragged the scale out of the linen closet behind him and stepped on it. Yep, I’m losing weight. God, what else can happen? He stepped back in front of the mirror and saw a face staring back at him. A scream belted out of him and he turned around sharply. The bathroom was empty.
I know that man…. I know him… Aaron looked back in the mirror but only looked into his own haunted eyes. He wrapped his towel around his waist and turned around again, flinging the shower curtain aside but not really expecting anyone to be there.
“What do you want from me?” He stormed out of the bathroom. “What do you want? This is my house! Mine!”
The hall was vacant. The house was quiet. Aaron shivered as a chill crawled down his spine. Gooseflesh rose on his arms. The hair on his neck stood straight up. Aaron turned to head back into the bathroom and at least wallow in its fading warmth.
The spare room, Daniel’s room really, beckoned again. Aaron heard soft moans coming from the other side of the door. He stood in front of it, his hand hovering above its knob. The moans grew louder.
Suffering. Aaron still heard him suffering.
“Danny…?” He took hold of the knob, and turning it slowly, opened the door.
The room was empty. He walked to the center of the room and shook his head. His eyes welled. What’s happening to me?
Outside the wind stirred and blew through the eaves of the house. Soft moans resounded through the walls. Aaron cracked a smile as relief washed through him. “Idiot,” he muttered. He left the room, closing the door behind him.
I’m hungry. After getting dressed as fast as he could, he headed back downstairs.
+++
Aaron cracked three eggs into a bowl. He searched desperately for a whisk but couldn’t seem to find it. Instead, he grabbed a fork and scrambled them as fast as he could.
His phone rang and he let out a loud sigh, shrugging and setting down his fork. The phone’s ring seemed to grow louder as he reached for it. He glanced at the screen.
“No… no…no…”
He answered the phone.
“Hi baby,” Daniel greeted him.
“Danny, please stop calling me.”
“But I still love you.”
“I love you too but please… you’re gone. You’re dead. Stop calling…. My God…I…can’t anymore…” Tears rolled down Aaron’s cheeks.
“Aaron, I’m sorry but I have to. They’re so angry at you.”
“Who…who is Danny? What are you talking about?”
A smash tore through the room and Aaron spun around to discover his bowl of eggs splattered across the floor but it wasn’t a bowl anymore. It was a bedpan. Aaron gasped then caught fluttering movement out of the corner of his eye. His gaze swept to the sliding doors at the back of the kitchen. His heart leapt into his throat.
“Danny,” Aaron whispered into the phone. “Your father is standing in our kitchen.”
“I told you Aaron, I told you.”
Daniel’s dead father stood in front of the sliding glass doors, his eyes enflamed, and his mouth twisted into a snarl. His skin was translucent. “Get out of our house!” The man’s screams were fueled by rage.
“Danny!” Aaron called into his phone but only static hissed in reply. He turned and ran, losing the grip on his phone. He raced through the dining room to the living room. He turned to rush upstairs but saw Daniel’s mother walking slowly down the staircase. Her withered hand glided over the banister. Her face was a mask of anguish. Her brow furrowed and her teeth, yellow from smoking, scraped her bottom lip.
“Our beloved is gone!” She screamed, her voice full of howling wind and shrieking ravens.
Aaron tore himself from the staircase and bolted for the front door. He grabbed the knob but the door wouldn’t open. “Christ… open!” He twisted the doorknob again and again while frantically checking the lock. The lock wouldn’t budge either.
“Please! Please!” Aaron glanced over his shoulder as Daniel’s mother and father closed in on him. He turned back to the door again. A blast of ice-cold air ravaged his back and Aaron screamed. He knew they were right on him.
“I did everything I could for him! I dedicated my life to him… please… please…leave me alone!” Aaron closed his eyes, dropped to his knees and braced himself.
“Beloved.” He heard the word whispered into his ear.
Silence choked the room. The cold faded. Aaron slowly opened his eyes and Daniel’s parents were nowhere in sight.
+++
Aaron put the pictures of Daniel’s family back on the walls with trembling hands. He reclaimed every one of them from the basement and put each back where they had been.
His eyes were sore from crying and his knees were weak but he carried on, putting the house back the way Daniel had it. Mostly. He continued to check over his shoulders and peer around corners before he ventured anywhere. He felt like he was a prisoner in his own home.
“I’m sorry.” Aaron’s gaze skimmed across the ceiling as if the spirits, if that’s what they were, might be watching from above. “I did everything I could for him. I left my job, my friends… my life. Why wasn’t that enough? Why is it still not enough now? I didn’t take your home away. Daniel left it to me.”
He walked into the living room and peeked upstairs as the sunlight died outside the windows and the shadows settled into the corners of the rooms.
“Just leave me alone,” he said in his lowest voice.
Upstairs, Aaron yawned then stared into the bathroom mirror. The bags under his eyes were worse. His face looked thinner. His cheeks sagged. He shook his head and brushed his teeth.
The bed was a welcoming old friend. Aaron crawled into it and pulled the covers over himself like a cocoon. Sleep came fast but didn’t stay. Cold air invaded the room and Aaron shivered from head to toe despite his layers of blankets. That wasn’t what woke him. The beating of his heart, thumping so loud he could hear it in his ears, caused him to wake suddenly. His eyes strained to focus but the presence in his room was undeniable.
They surrounded his bed, angry faces leering. Their eyes judged him, fingers pointed at him. Daniel’s parents glowered and were now joined by his grandparents. All of them pressed against the bed.
Aaron felt the bed shimmy and he lost it. He threw his covers aside and tumbled out, losing his footing. He crawled on his hands and knees into the hallway, screaming.
The door to the spare room across the hall opened by itself. Soft moans drifted from the room. Aaron crawled to the edge of the doorway and pulled himself to his feet. His screams had turned to sobbing now and he murmured: “I’m sorry.”
He saw Daniel sitting in the bed. He was gaunt and sickly pale. His eyes were sunken. A wheeze croaked out of him as he slung his leg over the edge of the bed and slowly climbed out of it, soiled sheets slipping to the floor.
Aaron stood rooted to the spot, unable to scream, his mouth agape. Sores littered Daniel’s arms and legs. Hair fell from his head as he moved. He managed to reach the dumbstruck Aaron and put his arms out to him, beckoning for a hug.
“I’m so sorry, Danny,” Aaron wept. “I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean to hold the pillow over your face. I just needed it to end. I needed the pain to end… for both of us.”
“I know, baby.”
Aaron shook his head. “No… you don’t understand,” His heart pounded against his chest. His pulse raced. His face was soaked with tears. “I just wanted my life back. Oh God… I didn’t want to do it… I didn’t…I had to. You just kept going on and on and on…”
“I understand.” Daniel opened his arms wide and Aaron remained unmoving as Daniel slipped them around him.
“Dan—ny…?”
“It’s okay, baby. I forgive you… but they don’t. I tried to warn you but you didn’t want to listen to me. My family has always been very protective. Everything is going to be all right, Aaron. I’m here for you the same way you were there for me.”
Aaron felt the air squeezing out of his lungs but was too weak to escape the deadly embrace of his lover. His heartbeat slowed, his pulse was even slower. There was no calling out for help because there were no more words, no more apologies, no more sound, no more hunger, no more…
+++
Aaron found himself outside the house, standing in the yard. He saw movement through the windows. He walked up to the front door but couldn’t open it. He couldn’t even figure out how to open it. He moved away from the door and peered through one of the windows. He saw his friend Laura inside, crying. There was a police officer with her, consoling her. Aaron could hear her voice.
“I knew I should have come sooner,” Laura said. “I knew I should have. Aaron hasn’t left this house in months. He didn’t even go to his own husband’s funeral. He had a mental break when Daniel died. I just didn’t think this would happen.” She sobbed some more.
“I’m very sorry,” the officer said. “Looks like he wasted away here, starved himself.”
“I tried,” she said. “I called him so many times but every time he just kept calling me Daniel and hanging up on me. I should have just come over after the first time.”
“It’s not your fault. Aaron did this to himself.”
Aaron screamed but no one could hear him. He tried to hit the window with his hand but nothing happened. Finally, he glanced to the other side of the room and there he saw Daniel, happy, looking healthy and surrounded by his family and the warmth of their love.
He wanted to join them, to feel the love they all shared, to be at Daniel’s side but he couldn’t. He could no longer enter the house and would never be able to again for he finally realized he was no longer… beloved.
